I had the most terrible dream a few nights ago that made me realize what it might be like to lose someone. It was only a nightmare, but it was so vivid and I woke up, still feeling the after effects and ended up texting like crazy and then crying. I keep thinking about it and whenever the deja vu feeling of the dream reappears, I get really sad. No one close to me has ever died, and it still feels a little absurd that something like that could happen, but life is so fleeting and every day brings unknown possibilities. Sometimes I find myself wondering how much I’d fall apart if so-and-so died…
I realized I couldn’t hug that person anymore. I wouldn’t be able to feel his arms, kiss him, see him, talk or even argue with him. I couldn’t say good-bye, and the last time I saw him would be the last time I would ever see him. He died in a car accident. My other friend fell sick, and also died. I found out through friends… I was so sad and the nightmare felt so real. I woke up questioning myself what was real and what’s worth it in the end. One of the worst parts is knowing that the last I had seen them would be the last ever and we ended on such innocent terms. I can’t take back a parting argument, a scoff, or try to spend more time with them. That’s just… it.
I know that in my life, it’ll be inevitable. People will deal with it and move on, but it’s so terrifying to think about people leaving you and you’re completely powerless to stop them. Maybe that’s partially why people start their own families. You hope that your children and your spouse, people you cherish dearly, will outlive you so you have someone to live for. Spread your love and balance the pain.
It took him 15 minutes of (cute) ramblings to ask but so freakin’ adorable. :)
So like, I forgot how lazy people in Boston are. Or maybe college is just so close… one or the other. SIGH.
I’m home. Grades came out. Christmas is in four days. My parents are happy. I HAVE MACARONS. And I’m skyping with a Bunny… life has never been so wonderful.
Sometimes you’re hopping around happily in your own world when suddenly, you reach the edge and catch a glimpse of reality. Even if it’s not your own, it’s always difficult not to stare into this reality for a little longer than you wish…
You did not say I love you… because those words are far too strong to describe something you’re not even sure of.
People are always rushing…
I like collegeee. :3 Everything is ridiculously chill, but everyone also works so hard. It’s 5 am now, but it’s perfectly okay. :D Work hard, play hard, succeedddd. :DD hehehe
Slowly finding my way… :)
But not for good. :]
I’ll try to keep in touch, but the fact is I know that everyone will be busy, whether studying, partying, or moving forward with their own lives. Our paths will all split and we’ll stumble clumsily into an unknown future, but I think it’ll be okay because we’re older, more mature, and more likely to remember and cherish.
Packing has made it a reality for me because… it’s not packing for a vacation anymore!! Well, I shall wish everyone the best of luck and may we coincidentally and accidentally see each other some time in the future.
Miss me lots! :D
Let’s lay it straight. You know what bothers me. You’ve known me for nearly all of high school, so you know. Yet why do you continuously try to test my boundaries? I don’t understand why you can’t just respect me for once. This isn’t even the first, second, or third time… just… what the heck. Maybe this is why we don’t talk much anymore. =\ Because I can’t seem to trust you with anything personal because I know that you’ll either a) tell someone else, or b) try to mess with me.
Clearly what you did wouldn’t be “cool”, so why even try? Why do you have to argue back when you could just be an understanding friend and back off. That’s just it! You’ve never been able to let it go for once. Always selfishly clinging to your “freedom” even though what you do bothers other people.
And what bothers me the most is that even though it’s a little silly, it means something to me, and you just… fight it. You think that you’re entitled to do whatever you please, as if you don’t give a crap about my feelings. I do realize that it may be strange, but as a friend, shouldn’t you try to understand that? Try to respect it?
Do you have no boundaries?
You have never been a good friend.